"It hurts"

Joe called this morning just to hear my voice, he said. It hurts, he said. Ha. He admitted something personal. Now how far will he run to get away from it?

Love Poems

Had a nice weekend this past weekend -- uneventful but nice. Got a lot done around the house, chatted with each of the kids, and so on. Nothing really big but all enjoyable. Sunday evening we grooved (yes, grooved) to Beatles' music while Joe beat D and me big time in UpWords. Joe and daughter invited me to go paddle-boating with them on Waneka Lake on Sunday afternoon. We had a great time in a little replica of the African Queen. Both Friday and Saturday nights D and I went to J's place to take in a movie. I saw a book of love poems on the counter there. Does he think of me when he reads them?

Lovely Lunchtime

I got my wish -- private time with my boyfriend. I'm back at work now but it's so nice out, plus I'm still floating on that golden cloud, so it's hard to buckle down and get stuff done.

Happy Mother's Day from Rhiannon

Rhiannon emailed from her training station: "I'm sure I don't say this enough. You are the best mom ever. I probably never really thanked you for putting up with me all through middle and high school, but you did. Thank you for letting me do my own thing when I needed to, and smacking me around when I needed that too. :-) You are a great person. Sorry I didn't send you flowers! Bad daughter."

Our Two Problems

which I'd like to verbally acknowledge, are that 1) I'm married and 2) he's got erectile dysfunction. With the first, we are bucking society and God and our own moral natures just to be together. I'm sure that every now and then he hates himself for doing this and hates me too for falling off my pedestal. The only way out is to redefine what is good so that it includes this. Plus, being married means I can't even be a decent girlfriend. With the second, well, his diabetes and smoking have caught up with him. Little Joe is just a shadow of his former self, and though I did not experience it fully, I do remember his former glory. I figure, though, that if little Joe was up to par, he'd have the confidence to go get himself a real girlfriend instead of settling for me. And since I've wanted to have him in my arms for soooo long, I count myself lucky -- it's because of the ED that I get to have him at all.

First Communion Party!

An excellent weekend has just passed. On Friday I volunteered to make a cake for my niece's First Communion party so spent Friday night baking. Saturday morning I decorated it and Saturday afternoon I visited for hours with my siblings, nieces and nephews. I love those people. We had the best time. We talked about the differences in the way mothers and fathers bond with their children, what a good education consists of, how beautiful niece Emily is (she's 16 and off to prom!). I managed to get some nice shots of my toddler nephew waiting his turn to play catch. Michaela's Saab 99 got vapor lock so Don and I went to rescue her Saturday evening. He acted like a total jerk which I totally had to call him on. Sunday was Home Blessing Day. Don and I bustled about cleaning the place inside and out. It was a busy productive and happy day. In the evening I popped "November" with Courtney Cox into the DVD player and watched it while I worked on knitting Michaela's Slytherin scarf. Ms. Cox does an excellent job in this dramatic role. Too bad the story line is so awful. It left more questions than it answered. What really happened? Who took the pictures? So is her boyfriend dead or not? What was real and what wasn't? Was the whole thing a dream? If so, I don't appreciate being jerked around in that way. Was the whole mystery that she got shot too? Interestingly done; very artsy, though probably (in the words of the detective) "too artsy for it's own good." Bottom line: it didn't make sense.

Me - a MILF!

I received two excellent compliments yesterday.

First, daughter Kendall popped over unexpectedly but I couldn't stay and do much visiting with her 'cause I had to hit the gym. I hadn't worked out Monday and I knew I wouldn't have time on Wednesday so it had to be Tuesday. Kendall said I didn't really need to as I already was a MILF. Do you know what that is? It means "Mother I'd Like to F**k." All this working out and cutting calories has worked! My kids' friends think I'm hot!

Second, daughter Michaela's got a goth friend named TJ who I really like. He wears all black -- stylishly ripped pants, safety pins here and there, a black leather jacket and a black hat. Oh, and black nail polish. Apparently most adults are afraid of him. I found out today that he didn't like me at first because I wasn't afraid. It took him a bit to warm up to me. Now he's really nice and sweet.

I'm a disappointment

So apparently my kids supply excellent cautionary tales. I made the mistake of telling Joe about Michaela's little shoplifting incident (she stole a candy bar and had to do a day of community service). He told his six-year-old, and included the appropriate editorial comments (how could she be so stupid, what was she thinking, etc.). His daughter added that Michaela's goth friend is probably nothing but trouble.

I know that Joe likes to talk. I should have been more aware that the stuff I tell him might end up in stories to other people. It'd be too bad if Lauren's mother forbade her to come to my house because of my delinquent daughter and her goth friend.

I'm also aware that he expects me to be perfect and is disappointed when I am not. In practical terms, this means I can't talk to him about my troubles as I am not supposed to have any.

Creeping toward Polyandry

I hope to drag Joe and Don into a polyandrous relationship. They may come kicking and screaming, but they'll come! I'm kidding of course. A polyandrous relationship won't be successful unless it is is based on openness and honesty, and everyone wants to be there. We've still all just friends. Joe hasn't yet agreed to 'marry' me, and Don hasn't agreed to let him.

Anyway, last night we were sitting on the back porch, smoking and talking like we always do, and huddled in blankets and coats as it was chilly out again. Joe smiled at me then turned to speak to Don and suddenly I saw us as a family of three. I imagined it was a year from now, and everything's settled, and we're even happier than we are now. Adding Joe to the mix has helped Don and me tremendously. We wouldn't be getting along so well as we are if it weren't for Joe.

Then we went in the house where I whupped their butts in UpWords -- for the second time in a row! Go me! Joe went home, Don and I cleaned the kitchen, and Michaela came home so we had some fun teasing her. She's a great kid. Whatever it is we three have, Don and Joe and I, it is very nice, it makes us happy, and I hope it can continue.

Email Xchange

Kris: (sent meeting summary and homework assignments)
Kevin: my dog ate my homework assignment.
Bob: My homework got run over by the bus...
Me: My homework slipped on the ice and broke its leg.
Kevin: umm..does 3 periods count as correct punctuation?
Me: Do two?
Bob: An additional 33.3% more than two! :-)
Bob: You know it has to be close to quitting time.

Princess

"No one can say 'no' to me" Michaela, my 17-year-old, told me yesterday. It's certainly something I've had to work on.

Yesterday she went to a friend's house after I had told her not to go till I got home. I was really mad, not only that she'd left before I arrived but also because she'd made a mess in every room in the house. What am I, her personal maid? I stomped angrily around the place for a bit then went to the friend's and brought her back home. On the way back she pouted and said she was gonna run away.

Go ahead, said I, I'll keep your new laptop and cancel your cell phone.
Then I'll light up a cigarette and put it out on my arm, she said.
I think we both should light cigarettes and put them out on our arms, I said.
Want to smoke one? she said.
It will get my car all smelly, I said.
We'll roll down the windows, she said. That's what me and Kendall did and you never knew we smoked in your car.
Then let's light up, I said, though I'm not a smoker.

And so we shared a cigarette. And later she told that no one could ever say no to her.

Funny Story

So last Saturday Joe invited me to come with him and his little girl to World of Wonder, a local children's museum/play place. I went. Lauren and I had a great time playing dress-up and chasing each other around.

A weird thing happened though. While Joe and I sat in front of the little stage, eagerly awaiting her performance, he told me a story. Lauren had asked him if he loved me. She's an intuitive little thing, he said. Then he said, "NO!" loudly and laughingly.

I just looked at him. It's a painful topic for me since a couple months ago I told him I loved him and he said he didn't feel that way. So now it's a joke? It's casual conversation? Where does the intuition come in? I could think of nothing to say that wouldn't betray that I was affected so I said nothing and just looked away.

I've thought of things since, of course. "That's a funny story but I'm not really the audience for it" or "It is amusing that anyone might think you felt that way about me" or "She totally missed that call, didn't she?" or "How could she be so wrong?" or simply "Of course not."

Going to San Francisco

I'm going to a seminar in San Francisco next month. I grew up in the Bay Area but my folks never took us kids there. I haven't been to the city since John Borton took me sightseeing there in 1984.

I had just finished college. I remember I wore a sleeveless blue gingham dress with gingham frills around the neck and armholes. I enjoyed looking feminine and tried to look my best that day. John took me up in a helicopter and we flew over the whole bay. It was a sunny clear day and so incredibly beautiful. I used to wish more than anything that I had not come back to Colorado; that I had stayed in California with John to see how things worked out.

Now my daughter's at the language school in Monterey and I'm going to a seminar in San Francisco. I get to see her and I get to see the city. I'm sitting in front of my computer, looking at the place on Google Maps and crying for the beauty of my childhood and for the love that didn't happen.

Forgive me, dear reader, for the silliness of this post. I honestly wouldn't change my life, not anymore. I've finally learned to let things be. The main point today is: I get to go to San Francisco!

The Oscar for Best Documentary

Did you know that in 2003 Michael Moore won Best Documentary for his Bowling for Columbine? And yet his documentaries aren't really documentaries -- they are PhotoShopped opinion pieces. I've seen several of his 'documentaries' and they were all similar in that Moore left out half the story and so tightly-edited his video clips that he made people say what they hadn't actually said. It'd be like taking a video of me saying, "Yes" and then fronting that with a video of you saying, "Do you approve of public hangings as a deterrent to crime?"

So, Best Documentary means nothing.

Heck, March of the Penguins won it in 2005 and that was nothing more than a two-hour Animal Planet piece. The trailer was more interesting than the movie.

And now we've got Gore's An Inconvenient Truth for the 2006 winner. I imagine it won solely because Hollywood wanted to send a message to Washington D.C.

I Miss Him

I'm doing really good with my resolution not to call Joe or take any initiative to see him. As a result, I haven't seen him alone since our lunch date on Jan 2. He hasn't asked to see me, that's for sure. I occasionally see him when Don brings him to dinner or when he invites the two of us over. I'm calmer now -- life isn't so much of a roller-coaster ride -- but I do miss our private times together.

Best Horoscope Ever

"Today is an 8. A person you may have forgotten all about comes back into your life. He or she remembers you fondly and many adventures begin."

Totally cool! Just think, Aquarians everywhere will be meeting up with an old acquaintance today. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

Later: Nope, a no long forgotten friend came back into my life. Except Joe who I had given up on. He came over to dinner and later called me at work. Sheesh. He didn't ask to see me though so we aren't getting together. As said previously, we'll get together when he asks to get together.

PostSecret: If I had a million dollars...

One of the early PostSecrets was:

'If I had a million dollars I'd give it all away for one more day with her like it was in the beginning.'

There's only one thing I'd trade a million dollars for. If I had a million dollars I'd give it all away to get Joe a working pancreas.

Rhiannon's off to Camp Lejeune

I took Rhiannon to the airport today. She's off to the School of Infantry at Camp LeJeune to be trained in basic infantry. She wore her uniform -- I wish I could tell you which but I can't keep them straight. I only know it wasn't dress blues. What's it called when you're wearing green pants, green jacket and tan shirt?

Anyway, a lot of people flying coach were getting in the security check line for people flying first-class, Rhiannon included. It was an easy mistake to make. The security guard made a general announcement that all people flying coach needed to get in the other, longer, line. "Except you, honey," she told Rhiannon. "You stay here."

It's neat to see the respect she receives from airport and other personnel when she's wearing her uniform. America DOES support its troops, however we feel about the war itself.

Some quotes: Every Marine is, first and foremost, a Rifleman.

The Purpose of Life

Why is it so hard for me to figure out what life is all about? I want to know NOW so I can dedicate the rest of my life to it, whatever it is. I've thought about this question for most of my life. I'll be 47 in a few days. No more thinking. I want to know and act. So I'm the Hermit. I go on spiritual retreat to contemplate life's purpose. I don't have a ton of experience to draw from but I have some. From my experience, what would I say is life's purpose?

First Answer: It's unknowable. That is, we can't know for certain that there is something or someone out there defining our purpose. It's here that I always get stuck. I always find myself wondering and searching for revelation, for meaning outside myself when really it is not there.

Second Answer: Therefore, we must find the answer within. We define it ourselves. And when I consider all that I know of the universe, the living things and the non-living, I find myself in agreement with those who say, "The meaning of life is recursive. The meaning of life is to live."

I love Ayn Rand's thought that man is a heroic being, his own happiness is his moral purpose, productive achievement is his noblest activity and reason is his only absolute. I find that encouraging.

My PostSecrets

What would I put on a postcard and mail to PostSecret?
1. I am afraid of people.
2. When my kids were little I loved them to pieces. I loved being their mom. But when they became teens I knew they were now smart enough to see my faults and reject me. So I rejected them first.
3. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Not my friends, not my family, not anywhere.
4. I've always been sane about love. Until last year. Last year I met a guy for whom I would throw EVERYTHING away -- my husband, my kids, my house, my life -- if he would say, "Come with me." And it breaks my heart that he won't say it.