My Boyfriend

My boyfriend is a rock climber and a sailor.
He rides a motorcycle and a mountain bike.

I read books and walk dogs and take photographs.
I workout and try to stay nice-looking.

I fulfill my responsibilities.
I'm empty and dull.

I want to be more like him.

Money

Money is an issue that causes a lot of worry for me. I do wish I had married someone who cared about having a steady job. David quit work more than ten years ago and hasn't looked back. Oh sure, he's held part-time jobs here and there but just so he could pay for his own hobbies; he never again thought about making a living or providing for his wife and children. So we weren't provided for.

I lent him $1000 last month. He needed money to pay the phone bill and to pay the movers of the lift that Jim gave him. He hasn't paid me back and very likely won't for a long time.

Jim closed up the shop. It never was a big money-maker. It made just enough to scrape by. Now Jim's at home doing work around the house. This week he's putting in a gate out back. I am paying for materials.

I want David out. And I want a husband who has a good job.

April Fool's Day

Dentist appointment today; first in more than ten years. Doctor very happy with my teeth. Could hardly be better. I do have the beginnings of a small cavity which will need to be filled in the coming six months. My main complaint is my left TMJ which is painful all the time. The doctor took casts of my mouth and I will have a splint to wear at night. Eventually we'll adjust my bite by tweaking the teeth so I no longer have pain.

Also, Jim and I continue being very happy. He has closed the shop. I trust that he won't sit around for several years, not making any money, the way David did.

So Amazing

I've got the most amazing boyfriend. He's so handsome, and funny, and interesting. He wants to be close. He notices right away when there is a divide between us. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to learn to dance! He thinks I'm intelligent and interesting and pretty, and he often tells me he loves me.

In Love

Both of us. He's so sweet. He says "So beautiful" to me. And that he wants to be nice to me. And wants to marry me. We have a very nice time in bed. And generally enjoy each others company. He's a bit of a mystery to me, a mystery that I enjoy.

The day after we have sex is a little hard for me because I miss him so much. There's a hole in my heart, right here, that won't be filled until we're together again.

On another note, I finally answered Kendall's letter.

Birthdays

Don's Birthday: purchased a cake rather than making one. Bought two sweaters as gifts, but he was really rude to me while on the phone with Michaela, so I didn't give them to him. Kendall was very offended by the cake and lack of presents; she wrote me a letter telling me so. Silly Kendall. Don doesn't like birthdays.

Joe's Birthday: We went to lunch at Jin Chan, a cozy little place right quite near Tebo Coin. I purchased cupcakes rather than baking a cake. No present. No sex that night, either, 'cause his tummy was upset.

5 Precepts of Love that Lasts

1. I can live without you
2. My love for you will change
3. You're not everything I need
4. I won't always hold you close
5. You and I aren't one

Sailing!

Lovely time sailing on Saturday which Joe's friend Peter, Peter's sister Renee and Renee's little girl Alessa. So adorable! I had so much fun with that little girl. She kinda took to me, too. I loved hanging out with other adults, like we were a REAL couple. We rode the motorcycle out and back. He kissed me on the dock and said he wanted to make an honest woman of me. And we will someday.

He's Happy

Joe is so happy in this relationship. It's nice to see. He comes up for a morning cuddle; I go down late at night for a good-night kiss. We've talked about getting married -- a very sweet conversation.

Michaela Moved Out

She's really angry at me. There's only one reason that I can think of: She knows about Joe and me but thinks that Don does not knows.

Don has known since September 7, 2008.

I had a frank discussion with Rhiannon and with Kendall about the situation. They were both very understanding. They wished me every happiness and expressed concern about their father. What excellent girls they are!

Happy/unhappy

Rhiannon's home! It's sooo wonderful to have her around.

Michaela and Kendall have slipped away. Kendall says "I love you!" but I don't think she means it. Michaela is exasperated with me 80% of the time.

I'm unhappy today because of Joe. I stood outside his door this morning wondering if I should pop in bed for a moment. I knew there was a 50/50 chance that my presence would annoy him. Now I realize that it's 70/30 -- very very bad odds. I chose to go in. After a few minutes he got up and moved to the bed in the other room. I didn't know where he'd gone at first. I lay there wondering if he was going to come back.

Later he called to apologize; said he didn't want to stop me from coming to bed. Idiot. He has stopped me. I'm never going to put myself in that position again. I am never going to stand at his door and wonder if I should come in. I am never going to lie there alone and wonder if he is coming back.

On the upside: T-bone steaks for dinner ($15 per pound, the most I've ever spent for meat) along with potatoes and salad from our garden! Then Rhiannon and I and maybe Michaela are going to Borders!

I love him but ...

I don't think we're right for each other. He wants strong and bossy; I'm sweet and gentle. I want someone to listen; he wants to talk and talk and talk about himself. I want loving words; he wants to be glib and shallow.

Somehow he always senses when things aren't going well and asks for more time together. Like just now he called and asked if we could spend some time together this evening. He tells me he loves me when he senses I'm upset.

Later that day: So we went for a bike ride, and played a game of UpWords, and had some intimate time. But I still don't feel connected to him somehow. I think it's me. It's because I don't feel like I can talk to him.

Honestly, my life isn't worth living. Who would want to live the life I've created for myself? I can barely stand it myself.

I'm going to try doing only and exactly what I want from now on. Plus be 100% authentic for a change. Since I got nothing, i got nothing to lose. I might as well stop being such a coward.

Next day: our relationship always improves TREMENDOUSLY when I decide I'm going to be my own person. He asked for time together again, and we had a lovely time doing what *I* wanted -- walking the dogs at Waneka Lake at sunset so I could take pics. Afterward he was very loving, which included saying that the future held only me -- Charity.

Maybe we'll be all right.

Test: Negative

Still no period even though the EPT came up negative. I cried when I told him it was negative. I hadn't meant to; it just came happened. We had a really nice talk about being parents. I'd love to have a baby with him, and he'd love to have one with me. He'd like to be a stay-at-home dad; I'd love it if he would.

Our families would be scandalized. It's a shocking situation I admit. But I'm not scandalized. I'm happy. If it were a boy I'd want to name it after its father; if a girl, Mary Constance after its grandmothers, or Mary Eleanor after its grandmother and great-grandmother on its father's side.

Late again!

I was an emotional wreck for five days. That's when I wrote all that stuff below. I'm better now.

I'm late again. Obviously Joe and I are slow learners -- we didn't change our modus operandi after the last scare.

Not that we're scared. We're secretly thrilled. Sure it's a less-than-optimum situation, but we're in love and very happy together, and would be happy to share that feeling with a wee baby.

On the one hand, I don't want a baby. I'm too old. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night. I am the prime supporter of the household. I loved being a mom to Rhiannon, Kendall and Michaela, but now I want to focus on my career and hobbies.

On the other hand, I'd be honored to be the mother of Joe's child. I wouldn't get one started on purpose, but I'm not going to get rid of one if if one should come along.

Wednesday!

My boyfriend senses that something's wrong and it's motivating him to be super sweet and sensitive. He's saying nice things. He's asking if I want to go on a date. He's asking if I want to talk about whatever it is. He's saying that we haven't seen much of each other and need to reconnect.

I want to be strong and not care.

Okay, here's what's good about today:
It's Caroline Brenholdt's birthday!
It's the first UComm Golf Day of the season, and I'm going!
It's sale day at the Salvation Army: clothes and shoes 99 cents each!
Melanie and I filled the Square Foot Gardens with Mel's Mix yesterday. It was heavy work but they look good.

And I've got some nice programming challenges to solve today which I am looking forward to. They are interesting.

I'll be a player, too

All that happens is for my good. This is for my good, too.

He's a player; I'm gonna be.

I'm going to use him and abuse him and have a lot more fun than I've been having. Silly me, caring and wanting and loving. That's all changing. I am going to be happy and strong. I've never used anyone before.

You have to not care, which is doable. I will be able to be more bossy, more truthful, less concerned about what he'll say. Finally. I've been needing this; I just haven't been free to say so. I have tied myself with obligations, which he hasn't tied himself with. I'm free now. This will be interesting and fun.

And don't waste your time being sorry about what he's missing. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want your heart; doesn't want a divine connection; doesn't want an epic love. He's done that in the past and he's done with it. He remembers someone when he hears that song "Me in Honey." There's no place for you in there.

I dreamed a dream

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder,
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

It's not gonna be epic

Ever. He won't give me epic. He gives me glib and shallow.

I think he still loves Anne and wants to be a family with Anne and Lauren. I don't even like Lauren.

I can't carry this level of emotion with what I'm getting back from him. I'll always be wanting something he's not going to give me. From now on we'll keep it light. No more longing. No more yearning. No more love songs.

If I can manage it, we'll have a happy friendship. No more sex, though. I can't handle that.

You know what really bugs me? That he talks to me like I'm a slut. He either thinks I am or wishes that I was. He needs to get himself a girl that is more capable of filling his requirements. You know what else? He's always talking about what an exciting life he's had. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd had one too. Also, see "Difficulties" on March 13 below.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.

It is going to be so nice to be a little freer, not so dependent on his affections, not so needy and weepy. I'll be able to talk to both of them without feeling embarrassed.

I'm not at home

I'm handling my emotions in the way I always do -- I left the house.

He went out sailing with Erika. Erika's a friend from long ago, and Erika's daughter Vera is company for Lauren. I used to be jealous of her but I'm not any more -- I've got other issues to worry about. I thought he was coming home around 2:00 but he didn't come back till 7:30. I became more and more worried as the hours dragged by because I didn't know if he was with people or by himself. I tried to work in the garden with David but we just can't communicate. He doesn't listen. Do I not listen? David made me angry. Jim made me angry and worried. So I left the house.

I'm up at my office, working on my photo blog. Also chatting with the Joseph Campbell Mythology Group! I haven't talked to them in years. I stopped going online when I started going to Jim's with David on Saturday nights.

They seem happy together and sufficient unto themselves.

Waiting

Friday night. Jim went to Wal-Mart. I could have gone if I'd wanted, but I wanted to be difficult so I didn't ask. I'm waiting for him to get back. I feel better now. I was moody and sad, as I often am. I often feel insecure and want to be reassured. That doesn't happen, though. He says nice things to me though not as often as I'd like.

I should write them down. That way I can refer to them often and not telling myself that he never says sweet things. It's not true.

Later: he was low when he got back. And then went lower -- got all sweaty but didn't pass out.