Bandit is dead

We put Bandit down on Friday, May 20, 2022. The grief comes in waves. His teeth failed him. They were bleeding continuously. Something in his mouth was bleeding continuously. We, Jim and me took him to the Humane Society in Boulder for euthanasia and private cremation. We'll get his ashes back. I'll put them in the yard with the finches and Dice. Decided last night. Made appt this morning for 1:00. Spent the moring crying and sitting with him. Drove in to Bouder. It was raining. He did not want to go in. He knew, probably. Sat with him while injection. He fell asleep right away. I hope he died then. I'm not totally sure. Yes of course he did. They told me sedative and heart stopper. I thought there would be two injections but there was only one. He fell asleep right away. He's gone. I was with him when he died. I wanted to have been with him when he died. I miss him. I've been crying a lot. I keep thinking he'll call or message. I understand wanting to see the dead so one last time. Wishing I could pet him again. When it's over it's over.

In another universe I'm happy

Not that I'm not happy here, but maybe I could be happier. Surrounded by family and friends, for example, instead of eating dinner alone on my bed.

Last Text with Rhiannon

I was being difficult, admittedly. But she was being particularly assholey, too. God I'm sick of people who believe they know it all. How is it that that's the only kind of people I know? Am I really the only one who doesn't know all that much?

The sad thing is, she won't even notice if I don't text or call her, because we rarely talk. A couple times a year, maybe. She doesn't know me at all, nor I her.

Dice died

Peacefully Monday afternoon. She'd had a breakfast of oat bread, liver powder and egg, and Don had taken her on a walk around the neighborhood. I'm glad we gave her a good life.

Arteriovenous malformation

I've got one. And it bled a little in my brain. That's not a good thing. If it does it again I could be fucked.

Love Poems

I sent him one. He said it was sweet and he didn't know what to say. I am such an idiot. Such a fricking idiot. God I hate myself so much. What a slap in the face from someone I thought loved me. He does just enough to keep himself from being kicked out. And I call that the best I've ever had. I guess it's not hard to top Don, or Dad. This piddly little love IS the best I've ever had. There's only one reason not to kill myself and that's Michaela. It would probably hit her pretty hard. I like to think it would, anyway. I want to be important to somebody.

My siblings

Are people I lived with a long long time ago, when we were very little. We weren't friends then, and I can't pretend we are friends now. I only see them at Christmas. I'm not going to go to Christmas any more, or Thanksgiving either.

Ready to break up

For reals.

He's just so not suitable for long-term boyfriend material. There's no thought for the future with him, there's no planning, no preparation, no dreams. There's just TV, occasional outdoor outings, listening to him tell stories about himself and watching him get high. It's all very much in the present.

I'm not going to tell him, I'm just going to start acting differently.

No obligations.
I'm in charge.
It's my house.
I'll watch whatever I want to, downstairs.
I'll clean off the patio table and do my computer lessons out there.
I'll talk about whatever I want to.
I'll be a bitch and an asshole.
Very excited about the changes.

He uses me; time for me to start using him. No obligations.

Jim ticks me off sometimes

Dickhead. He got all pissed because I called him on his phone instead of coming outside into the cold to find him. He's got a pay-per-use phone so every phone call costs money. Yay! I've got the cheapest boyfriend ever. He can't spend thirty cents on me frivolously. Once we were home, I stomped into his room, flung a dollar at him, and stomped out. He came up to rub my back later, which he never ever does. Perhaps that was his way of making up. Too bad I won't get an apology.

First Post of 2013!

And it's already February.

Foot Surgery

Bunionectomy on Tuesday. Wednesday was horrible but it's getting better.

Still want out

We had (another) nice talk in which I explained my feelings. Jim's great for wanting to understand. But he's still best friends with David. I want out. They are both going to have to go. It's gonna hurt like hell but I've got to get out of here. They are sitting down in the family room right now, watching TV and chatting. I'd like to watch TV and chat with my boyfriend, but there's no room. I refuse to make up a threesome; that's just too twisted. I want them both to go away. I've decided to sell the house. It's gonna be really painful and difficult. But come spring, Jim will still not have a job, David will still not have a job, they will still be best buds, and they will have spent even more time in each other's company than Jim will have spent with me. I want out.

I'm leaving!

I've finally reached the point where I can ask for a divorce, break up with Jim and sell the house.

I hate it here so so much. David and Jim are a real tight couple; there's no room for me.

Independent

D and J went off to Chandler's mine yesterday, leaving me alone for hours. It was the best thing, as these things usually turn out to be, for it gave me the chance to go to Union Reservoir. I realized while there that I'm not capable of being in a successful relationship, want to be like Rose Wilder Lane, and am being forced to be what is best for me -- independent. I'm going to cut my hair as a sign of that.

Finally ready for the future

It's taken many years, but I'm finally ready for the 'Let's get a divorce' discussion with Don. I actually envisioned it, and it went well! Also am ready to move on with my life without J. He's got so many awesome qualities, but there are two deal-breakers: no job, and best friends with Don. I'm okay with moving to a smaller place. Not sure what to do about the dogs. Maybe Rose can take Dice. Bandit will be lonely until I get home but there's no help for that.

I hate myself

Because I suck

New Goal: Wedge Driver

New goal for June: Drive a wedge between Don and YKW. I just can't take the happy friendship that exists between them. I'm going to make them distrustful and unhappy with each other. I'm going to do it by making friendly with Don.

Update July 2013: This turned out to be very hard to do, because I just don't like Don. I don't want to interact with him in any way. But, I'm going to try again.

I Love Jim

And he loves me. He's the one I love. Don't know what the future holds, nor are things perfect. But they are mostly perfect.

Don't Want to Hide Anymore

Not worth it. Better to be known than to pretend to be something and someone I'm not. Better to be rejected for what I am than accepted for what I am not. Ha. The irony there is that I am a poser. That's who and what I am.

Ready to Move On

Jim didn't get up this morning to give me a ride to the bus stop, so I had to walk. He doesn't pay rent. He borrows money from me. He only works sporadically out of David's garage. He struts around like he owns the place. It's time to put him in his place. I go to work while he stays at home doing very little. It's time to take control; time to have fun being a bitch; time to take ownership of my house back.

I don't want to live all alone. It's nice to have someone there in case you are in trouble. However, I am going to be more bossy to both of them, and stop treating Jim like he's special.

Blood in the Dumpster

And it was my own. I slipped while climbing in; hit real hard on my pubic bone. It hurt so so bad. After a while the pain subsided and the area felt all warm and glow-y on the inside. Then that subsided as well and it began to feel warm and wet. 'Did the blow make me pee my pants?' I wondered. 'It sure feels like there's something dripping down my leg.'

So I took a quick peek inside -- so much blood! I got a lot of good stuff though, so I guess I paid for it all in a way.

It still hurts about the birds

It's been seven months since I starved the finches to death. It still hurts. I still miss them. I think of the days leading up to their deaths, and that very last night, and finding them the next day. Jim was awful.

Most interesting conversation yet: "If you had let Bandit die and had kicked us out, I would have been very impressed. I would have thought, 'There's hope for Cathy yet.'"

Which means a couple things:

1) He knows he's taking advantage of me. Repeat that, Cathy. He knows he's taking advantage of me.

2) He is not impressed with the way I'm doing things now.

He knows I'm martyring myself for him and Don, but he's okay with it. He's not gonna rescue me. He's not gonna get a job himself.

What the hell does he like about me then?

I would like to discuss finances with my father. What is the best route from here?

 The lesson you were supposed to have learned from Don is that you have to be strong; that being weak gets you walked on. You are foolish to think that Joe is different. Being weak encourages behavior in others that they would not have otherwise done.

Bandit got surgery

Internal obstruction: corncob. He stopped eating and drinking, was throwing up and wasting away. Luckily we caught it in time. He had surgery Tuesday; I'm taking him home today.

Love Poem!

My first love poem from Jim!

Sweet Catheryne
my Catheryne
at night dear heart
for you I pine
in all my dreams
your fair face beams
you're the flower of my heart
sweet Catheryne

(to the tune of 'Sweet Adeline') LOL
how fun is that? Jim

"Would you just shut up?"

Said my sister Mary to be last night. "I beg your pardon!?" I said, so she said it again. I got up from the table and left the room, but not before I heard her say "touchy" and "temper tantrum."

We had all been at Dad's to visit Ramona. It was very disheartening to see her walk in, as I'm sure she's already spent plenty of alone time with Mona. I get none. I bet they've even been to A La Carte, which I had hoped would be Mona's and my special restaurant.

There, I'm done with the Boyd Family. I bought Dad's bullshit for so many years. I believed him when he said family was important. What a load of crock.

I've spent my whole life wishing I could be special to somebody in my family, but I'm not. Not to Mom, not to Dad. I am gonna accept that and move on with my life. It's beautiful outside right now. I don't have family but I do have many other sources of pleasure.

Or Maybe I'll Stay

Somehow Joe always knows when I've decided to end the relationship, and he sticks closer than a barnacle. AND is really nice. AND gives me lot of attention. AND apologizes for being an ass.

Relationships are hard. This is a pretty good one. Maybe I'll keep it.

How to End a Relationship?

I am so ready for this relationship to be over. It's been a good three years. Or is it four years now? But come on, the guy's turned into a freeloader. Plus he occasionally is mean or says snide things. I don't like the stories he tells about the things he's done. They reveal a character that I can't respect at all -- too much alcohol, too many drugs, too much sex. And too much anger.

And the future doesn't hold much promise. He's got no savings, got no job, and has health problems. Am I supposed to martyr myself for love? He spoke with derision of his brother who married a sick girl, which made me feel very foolish as I'm doing the same thing.

He's got lots of good qualities, which is why I've stayed so long, but I'm done with it all.

Burying Birds

I buried the birds in an out-of-the-way corner of the garden, under a bush, where I thought they would be safe. Turns out Jim had planted grass there so he was pretty mad. He wants me to get over their deaths and not ruin his yard work.

I killed my finches

I was so stupid! I killed my darling finches. We had built a big flight cage for them that nestled up against their store-bought cage. A couple days ago, I shooed them into the regular cage so I could service the flight cage. Every day since I've checked the food and water in the flight cage but never once noticed that I hadn't re-opened the door between the cages. Every day I went in there, and they thought that this time I'd take care of them, but I never did. I failed them. They starved and/or died of dehydration within sight and smell of both. I feel so terrible. I loved those finches. I hate owners who abuse or don't care for their pets, and now I have become one.

Barnacle

It's official. I think Jim is a moocher. Thirteen months have passed since he folded up the shop, and he hasn't tried to get a real job. He does part-time here and there; that's it. I'm just not interested anymore. He takes up two spots in front of the house; he doesn't pay rent; his stuff is stored on the back porch, in a big tent in the backyard and in two bedrooms.

It's good, though. I quit making dinner when he quit work, and I'm very happy about that. I've also quit buying group food, which has given me a lot more cash on hand. I buy my own food, and I dumpster dive.

It's fun to get free stuff, and it adds a challenge to my day, to see if I can eat free only. Today I had dumpster juice with dumpster protein powder, dumpster yogurt, dumpster carrot chips with dumpster hummus, a dumpster gluten-free muffin, a dumpster egg, a dumpster bell pepper, and even a little dumpster chicken. Eating meat from the dumpster is pushing it a bit, I admit. It was frozen solid when I got it, though, and stayed that way until I cooked it. So far I'm okay.

What is gone is gone

What used to be important to me? It's gone now.

What is plucked will grow again,
What is slain lives on,
What is stolen will remain—
What is gone is gone.

What is sea-born dies on land,
Soft is trod upon.
What is given burns the hand—
What is gone is gone.

Here is there, and high is low;
All may be undone.
What is true no two men know—
What is gone is gone.

Who has choices need not choose.
We must, who have none.
We can love but what we lose—
What is gone is gone.

Michaela Got Married Today!

March 8, 2011. She and Aaron went to the courthouse. Nobody was with them but the Reverend.

Experimenting with Trackbacks

Marine Corps birthday!
http://shinyredcat.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/marine-corps-birthday/

A trackback are comments left on your blog by other blogs.

Melanie came for Thanksgiving

Mel lives in Tennessee now with Aaron Parker. They intend to marry at some time in the future. He seems like a good guy. She came out on Thanksgiving to visit us, and to take her car and her stuff back to Tennessee with her. I was sad. It's hard to see the kids because I know they are going to leave.

We didn't do much except go to the Harry Potter movie. We had Thanksgiving here at the house, with Grandpa, Karen, David and Jim in attendance. I had been hoping and hoping that we could really talk, but it didn't happen until the very last day, the very last few hours, as we were waiting for 420 Highways to open so I could buy her some medicine. So that was a good thing, that she had lost her own.

Having kids was the most wonderful thing I ever had. Now that it's gone I'm not sure what to do with myself. Nothing is really important.

What if there isn't any more?

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife realized that sometimes there isn't anymore. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."

It always happens, always. What we care most about WILL get all used up and go away. There's nothing you can do to avoid the pain, except to go away first.

Hell of a Weekend

Labor Day weekend was incredible. And not necessarily in a good way. I had planned to go shoot the free flight competition. I'm the unofficial photographer. All the guys like my work, so I like to be there with them. Jim's being all needy, though, so it was hard to get away. The competition was all three days. I went out Saturday and Sunday, then spent Monday with Jim even though I would have rather been photographing.

Jim took me mountain biking to Elk Meadow. We chose a trail that was way too hard for me. I had to push my bike most of the way. The mountain kept going up and up. Finally I collapsed, crying, into a nervous wreck, accompanied by emotionally-induced asthma. Which means I couldn't breathe either.

Plus, the Four Mile Canyon fire started that morning. I got some nice photos of smoke billowing over the mountains. Jim took me up Flagstaff Mountain so we could get a closer look. It's awful. No one's been killed but lots of structures and houses have burned up. Slurry bombers have been flying overhead all day. It's emotionally wrenching.

Today I can barely concentrate on my work. I'd rather be out watching the fire.

My Boyfriend

My boyfriend is a rock climber and a sailor.
He rides a motorcycle and a mountain bike.

I read books and walk dogs and take photographs.
I workout and try to stay nice-looking.

I fulfill my responsibilities.
I'm empty and dull.

I want to be more like him.

Money

Money is an issue that causes a lot of worry for me. I do wish I had married someone who cared about having a steady job. David quit work more than ten years ago and hasn't looked back. Oh sure, he's held part-time jobs here and there but just so he could pay for his own hobbies; he never again thought about making a living or providing for his wife and children. So we weren't provided for.

I lent him $1000 last month. He needed money to pay the phone bill and to pay the movers of the lift that Jim gave him. He hasn't paid me back and very likely won't for a long time.

Jim closed up the shop. It never was a big money-maker. It made just enough to scrape by. Now Jim's at home doing work around the house. This week he's putting in a gate out back. I am paying for materials.

I want David out. And I want a husband who has a good job.

April Fool's Day

Dentist appointment today; first in more than ten years. Doctor very happy with my teeth. Could hardly be better. I do have the beginnings of a small cavity which will need to be filled in the coming six months. My main complaint is my left TMJ which is painful all the time. The doctor took casts of my mouth and I will have a splint to wear at night. Eventually we'll adjust my bite by tweaking the teeth so I no longer have pain.

Also, Jim and I continue being very happy. He has closed the shop. I trust that he won't sit around for several years, not making any money, the way David did.

So Amazing

I've got the most amazing boyfriend. He's so handsome, and funny, and interesting. He wants to be close. He notices right away when there is a divide between us. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to learn to dance! He thinks I'm intelligent and interesting and pretty, and he often tells me he loves me.

In Love

Both of us. He's so sweet. He says "So beautiful" to me. And that he wants to be nice to me. And wants to marry me. We have a very nice time in bed. And generally enjoy each others company. He's a bit of a mystery to me, a mystery that I enjoy.

The day after we have sex is a little hard for me because I miss him so much. There's a hole in my heart, right here, that won't be filled until we're together again.

On another note, I finally answered Kendall's letter.

Birthdays

Don's Birthday: purchased a cake rather than making one. Bought two sweaters as gifts, but he was really rude to me while on the phone with Michaela, so I didn't give them to him. Kendall was very offended by the cake and lack of presents; she wrote me a letter telling me so. Silly Kendall. Don doesn't like birthdays.

Joe's Birthday: We went to lunch at Jin Chan, a cozy little place right quite near Tebo Coin. I purchased cupcakes rather than baking a cake. No present. No sex that night, either, 'cause his tummy was upset.

5 Precepts of Love that Lasts

1. I can live without you
2. My love for you will change
3. You're not everything I need
4. I won't always hold you close
5. You and I aren't one

Sailing!

Lovely time sailing on Saturday which Joe's friend Peter, Peter's sister Renee and Renee's little girl Alessa. So adorable! I had so much fun with that little girl. She kinda took to me, too. I loved hanging out with other adults, like we were a REAL couple. We rode the motorcycle out and back. He kissed me on the dock and said he wanted to make an honest woman of me. And we will someday.

He's Happy

Joe is so happy in this relationship. It's nice to see. He comes up for a morning cuddle; I go down late at night for a good-night kiss. We've talked about getting married -- a very sweet conversation.

Michaela Moved Out

She's really angry at me. There's only one reason that I can think of: She knows about Joe and me but thinks that Don does not knows.

Don has known since September 7, 2008.

I had a frank discussion with Rhiannon and with Kendall about the situation. They were both very understanding. They wished me every happiness and expressed concern about their father. What excellent girls they are!

Happy/unhappy

Rhiannon's home! It's sooo wonderful to have her around.

Michaela and Kendall have slipped away. Kendall says "I love you!" but I don't think she means it. Michaela is exasperated with me 80% of the time.

I'm unhappy today because of Joe. I stood outside his door this morning wondering if I should pop in bed for a moment. I knew there was a 50/50 chance that my presence would annoy him. Now I realize that it's 70/30 -- very very bad odds. I chose to go in. After a few minutes he got up and moved to the bed in the other room. I didn't know where he'd gone at first. I lay there wondering if he was going to come back.

Later he called to apologize; said he didn't want to stop me from coming to bed. Idiot. He has stopped me. I'm never going to put myself in that position again. I am never going to stand at his door and wonder if I should come in. I am never going to lie there alone and wonder if he is coming back.

On the upside: T-bone steaks for dinner ($15 per pound, the most I've ever spent for meat) along with potatoes and salad from our garden! Then Rhiannon and I and maybe Michaela are going to Borders!

I love him but ...

I don't think we're right for each other. He wants strong and bossy; I'm sweet and gentle. I want someone to listen; he wants to talk and talk and talk about himself. I want loving words; he wants to be glib and shallow.

Somehow he always senses when things aren't going well and asks for more time together. Like just now he called and asked if we could spend some time together this evening. He tells me he loves me when he senses I'm upset.

Later that day: So we went for a bike ride, and played a game of UpWords, and had some intimate time. But I still don't feel connected to him somehow. I think it's me. It's because I don't feel like I can talk to him.

Honestly, my life isn't worth living. Who would want to live the life I've created for myself? I can barely stand it myself.

I'm going to try doing only and exactly what I want from now on. Plus be 100% authentic for a change. Since I got nothing, i got nothing to lose. I might as well stop being such a coward.

Next day: our relationship always improves TREMENDOUSLY when I decide I'm going to be my own person. He asked for time together again, and we had a lovely time doing what *I* wanted -- walking the dogs at Waneka Lake at sunset so I could take pics. Afterward he was very loving, which included saying that the future held only me -- Charity.

Maybe we'll be all right.

Test: Negative

Still no period even though the EPT came up negative. I cried when I told him it was negative. I hadn't meant to; it just came happened. We had a really nice talk about being parents. I'd love to have a baby with him, and he'd love to have one with me. He'd like to be a stay-at-home dad; I'd love it if he would.

Our families would be scandalized. It's a shocking situation I admit. But I'm not scandalized. I'm happy. If it were a boy I'd want to name it after its father; if a girl, Mary Constance after its grandmothers, or Mary Eleanor after its grandmother and great-grandmother on its father's side.

Late again!

I was an emotional wreck for five days. That's when I wrote all that stuff below. I'm better now.

I'm late again. Obviously Joe and I are slow learners -- we didn't change our modus operandi after the last scare.

Not that we're scared. We're secretly thrilled. Sure it's a less-than-optimum situation, but we're in love and very happy together, and would be happy to share that feeling with a wee baby.

On the one hand, I don't want a baby. I'm too old. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night. I am the prime supporter of the household. I loved being a mom to Rhiannon, Kendall and Michaela, but now I want to focus on my career and hobbies.

On the other hand, I'd be honored to be the mother of Joe's child. I wouldn't get one started on purpose, but I'm not going to get rid of one if if one should come along.

Wednesday!

My boyfriend senses that something's wrong and it's motivating him to be super sweet and sensitive. He's saying nice things. He's asking if I want to go on a date. He's asking if I want to talk about whatever it is. He's saying that we haven't seen much of each other and need to reconnect.

I want to be strong and not care.

Okay, here's what's good about today:
It's Caroline Brenholdt's birthday!
It's the first UComm Golf Day of the season, and I'm going!
It's sale day at the Salvation Army: clothes and shoes 99 cents each!
Melanie and I filled the Square Foot Gardens with Mel's Mix yesterday. It was heavy work but they look good.

And I've got some nice programming challenges to solve today which I am looking forward to. They are interesting.

I'll be a player, too

All that happens is for my good. This is for my good, too.

He's a player; I'm gonna be.

I'm going to use him and abuse him and have a lot more fun than I've been having. Silly me, caring and wanting and loving. That's all changing. I am going to be happy and strong. I've never used anyone before.

You have to not care, which is doable. I will be able to be more bossy, more truthful, less concerned about what he'll say. Finally. I've been needing this; I just haven't been free to say so. I have tied myself with obligations, which he hasn't tied himself with. I'm free now. This will be interesting and fun.

And don't waste your time being sorry about what he's missing. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want your heart; doesn't want a divine connection; doesn't want an epic love. He's done that in the past and he's done with it. He remembers someone when he hears that song "Me in Honey." There's no place for you in there.

I dreamed a dream

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder,
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

It's not gonna be epic

Ever. He won't give me epic. He gives me glib and shallow.

I think he still loves Anne and wants to be a family with Anne and Lauren. I don't even like Lauren.

I can't carry this level of emotion with what I'm getting back from him. I'll always be wanting something he's not going to give me. From now on we'll keep it light. No more longing. No more yearning. No more love songs.

If I can manage it, we'll have a happy friendship. No more sex, though. I can't handle that.

You know what really bugs me? That he talks to me like I'm a slut. He either thinks I am or wishes that I was. He needs to get himself a girl that is more capable of filling his requirements. You know what else? He's always talking about what an exciting life he's had. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd had one too. Also, see "Difficulties" on March 13 below.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.

It is going to be so nice to be a little freer, not so dependent on his affections, not so needy and weepy. I'll be able to talk to both of them without feeling embarrassed.

I'm not at home

I'm handling my emotions in the way I always do -- I left the house.

He went out sailing with Erika. Erika's a friend from long ago, and Erika's daughter Vera is company for Lauren. I used to be jealous of her but I'm not any more -- I've got other issues to worry about. I thought he was coming home around 2:00 but he didn't come back till 7:30. I became more and more worried as the hours dragged by because I didn't know if he was with people or by himself. I tried to work in the garden with David but we just can't communicate. He doesn't listen. Do I not listen? David made me angry. Jim made me angry and worried. So I left the house.

I'm up at my office, working on my photo blog. Also chatting with the Joseph Campbell Mythology Group! I haven't talked to them in years. I stopped going online when I started going to Jim's with David on Saturday nights.

They seem happy together and sufficient unto themselves.

Waiting

Friday night. Jim went to Wal-Mart. I could have gone if I'd wanted, but I wanted to be difficult so I didn't ask. I'm waiting for him to get back. I feel better now. I was moody and sad, as I often am. I often feel insecure and want to be reassured. That doesn't happen, though. He says nice things to me though not as often as I'd like.

I should write them down. That way I can refer to them often and not telling myself that he never says sweet things. It's not true.

Later: he was low when he got back. And then went lower -- got all sweaty but didn't pass out.

Facebook Blues

With Facebook, you can watch the few friends you have talk to each other and to other people, and be made even more aware that no one is talking to you.

I love my boyfriend

My boyfriend and I are doing very well. We continue to improve in our ability to handle being upset with each other. We continue to improve in our ability to converse. Sex keeps getting better and better too. We haven't had a diabetic incident of any kind since that last DKA one more than a month ago; as it fades from memory I feel better about the future. He is very smart, very funny, very handsome.

Webkinz Fail

The garden tool labels were messed up the other day, though the tools themselves worked fine. I grabbed a screen shot of it:

Difficulties

Lately I've been thinking about the difficulties of having Jim live with us.

One: I don't have any place to put Karen when she comes home from college.

Two: The complications of Type I diabetes are life-threatening. I've been there when these life-threatening complications are happening; nursed him through them, saved his life a few times. It's difficult living with -- and loving -- someone who you're not sure is going to make it through the day. Will today be another emergency room day? Will we sleep through the night or will his blood sugar go low at 2:00 am again? When that happens I have to try to get glucose syrup into him and when he comes back to consciousness change his soaking wet clothes and sheets.

How many times now have I held him like a baby while trying to get glucose into his system? Five or six, I guess. How many ketoacidosis incidents? Three or four.

It will be like this for the rest of my life.

Value Added

Co-worker Zach J. made an interesting comment yesterday -- when he was in a relationship, he hoped he would be a value-added boyfriend.

I honestly hadn't thought of the relationship issue that way. But of course if makes sense. Why bother doing it if your significant other doesn't add something to your life? Why should I have to tiptoe around on egg shells for the privilege of being his girlfriend?

Right now, for $300 a month, he gets two bedrooms, a family room, unlimited use of the washing machine, no utilities or phone, a yard for his trampoline, 24-hour nursing care, back rubs and sex.

I get $300 bucks, sex, get to give back rubs but don't get any, get to worry, don't have a place to put my children when they come home, don't have a family room or sewing room or hobby room, get to be up all night dealing with ketoacidosis or bottomed-out blood sugar, get to waste my time watching TV.

What value has been added to my life?

A Little Bit Pregnant

I was! Eight days late; when it finally came it was ... different. The symptoms matched those of chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that is confirmed by lab means only; the fetus never gets big enough to be confirmed by ultrasound). Anyway, the bleeding was fairly light as my periods go, which is consistent with early miscarriage according to some studies, and there were a lot more clots and tissue. I regret that I did not do a pregnancy test. It would be nice to know for sure.

About having a baby: not a good idea. I'd want to stay home with it, but can't as I'm the main support of the household. But mainly I don't want to go through all that again. I absolutely loved being a mom. It was a fantastic adventure that is over. I'm too old to do all that again.

Great Weekend

Trip to Target with Sweetie on Wednesday night. He was hard to talk to that night which put me in a horrible mood for the next two days -- I already have someone I can't talk to, thank you very much. I was all weepy and miserable. I kept to myself Thursday and Friday. Sweetie was very kind to me, and somehow I managed to pull out of it. We had a nice weekend. He invited me to go swimming with him and L on Saturday. We had a sweet time in the evening. On Sunday Don and I finally had a good talk about what we wanted. I wasn't super open because it's hard to say that you don't love someone anymore, but he knows. He said it himself. We are not going to be antagonistic and mean to each other. We're going to be nice. We went out to the coin and comic book store together, during which time he actually talked to me and was friendly.

One, two, I love you

One, two, I love you;
Three, four, let's shut the door;
Five, six, kiss me quick;
I can't wait to hold you once more.

"Sometimes I wish you were my wife"

I hope that can come true someday.

Things have been really good with us. He responds really really well to the happy thoughts that I think. It's amazing. When I send sweetness and light and happiness his way, he reacts in a positive way.

Webkinz: Three Wells!

I got three wells AGAIN in the wishing well!

Pillow Talk

We are greatly enjoying our pillow talk. It's new for me, this happy intimate chat. Very sweet and nice. Last weekend I whispered that he should marry me, and we bantered about what the wedding would be like. Apparently the idea didn't scare him off as he's been very affectionate these past few days. He commented in passing that besides physical intimacy, we have shared spiritual and emotional and mental intimacy as well.

I'm not doing well today

I miss my boyfriend. He spends all his time with Don, who is crazy about him and is all over him all the time. They laugh; they talk; they do little things together; they hang out in the garage smoking and watching T.V. I can't compete with that so I'm not going to.

I'm not high maintenance but I do need some. If I'm not gonna get it I'm out. Joe and Don can have each other. I feel redundant. Joe's got Don for laughter and company, Michaela for a female presence, and porn for sex. I'm just not necessary.

Terri Clark's playing on the radio. God I hate her. I can't stand her voice or her style, just like I can't stand the Dixie Chicks.

You know, no matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to get what I want. I will always be a scared introvert. That's my biggest secret that I should send to PostSecret. I will never be confident enough to join the group that is laughing and talking outside my door.

Slept Over

I stayed the whole night in his room -- a first. Usually I skip outta there at 2:00 a.m. It was very nice. I always thought I couldn't sleep if someone was touching me. That's not true with him, though. We really do sleep in each other's arms. He woke up at 4:00 which apparently is usual, and we had some nice cuddling and lovely-dovey talk then. Finally went back to sleep and got up at 7:35. Way late!

I've got a really nice boyfriend

I'm reading two wonderful books: Mindful Loving and Inner Radiance, Outer Beauty. As I put the teachings into practice, my relationship with my boyfriend gets better and better. I don't feel so insecure anymore (not so much, anyway). I used to ask him, by way of reassurance, if he loved me. I don't anymore because I don't need to be reassured. And you know what? He says it on his own, lots and lots. He said lots of really sweet things last night. He thinks I'm really sweet. He wonders how he got so lucky.

We're better

We had a short talk about the incident and now we're better. He never did talk about what was bothering him; he doesn't want to keep rehashing it. He did acknowledge that he handled it poorly and should have given me an explanation. He said I was very beautiful and he would never want to hurt me. Fair enough. We had a lovely intimate time in which we talked about how much we loved each other and touched, tentatively, on the subject of marriage. Very scary. I love him sooo much, and he does me, but what if things go wrong? I couldn't take another relationship breakdown.

Something's Bugging Him

He teased me in slightly mean ways all weekend. None of it was really bad by itself but when I review the entirely of it I get pretty angry at being treated that way. Something's bugging him and so he's acting out. I asked him about it but he turned his back, said "What's NOT the matter?" then got out of bed to go watch the Simpson's. Fine. We can be over until, if and when, he can talk about what's on his mind. I don't need snotty treatment. I don't need someone who's not grown-up enough to say what's on his mind. I don't need to hang out with someone I can't talk to. Keep it to yourself.

Thoughts on the situation

My boyfriend is wonderful because he's so manly. He's also smart and funny and good-looking. He thinks I'm pretty and calls me his sexy girlfriend.

On the other hand: he doesn't like it that I'm having an affair. He'd prefer me to be perfect and pure. There's a bit of irony for you, eh? He wishes I were not the kind of person who would have an affair. What am I supposed to do with that? Answer: I can't be with him anymore. I spent many years with someone who despised me (that would be my husband, Don). I'm not going to do that again.

He's always joking; never being serious. I can't really talk to him. I'm always going to be wanting something from him that he's not going to give. Same old story for the past eight years. What have I ever gotten out of this except the hope and expectation that someday he'll love me? That hope has kept me going for so so long but eventually even I have to wake up. This is NEVER going to be an epic love-affair. He's a light-duty boyfriend, nothing else. A handsome smart funny sexy light-duty guy who spends his evenings watching TV. If I want to spend time with him then I have to become a TV watcher too.

I'm bored out of my mind

J and I haven't spent any decent time together in a while. We've been intimate, but w/o face time I end up feeling used. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm gonna take a break from being the dinner-maker for a while. That makes me feel used, too. I'm gonna focus on training Bandit and Dice, and spend sometime with my new digital camera and photo blog. It's a beautiful day out there; I should be taking photos of tombstones.

Email's Down

Note from our network admin:

It appears email in general is down again. 5-HELP is flooded and tells you to call back, so I'm assuming this is an ITS issue. A few people, myself included, can't log into our email even through WebMail. ITS has been making some email routing changes recently; it could have something to do with that. I'm sure they're working on it. I suggest we all just enjoy our Friday afternoon without the use of a critical business tool that this campus can't keep running for more than three weeks at a time.

Wonderful Love

Joe said that, in spite of its weirdness, what he has now is the best thing he's ever had.

Here's what he has: an inexpensive place to live, a buddy to pal around with, and a girl he's loved for a long time who now loves him back.

It's not the perfect situation but it is pretty close. We can't talk about it with anyone but ourselves, but I'd rather have things the way they are -- two boys and one girl -- than have them be like a storybook romance. I'd be afraid of a one-to-one relationship. I'd be afraid that it would get messed up.

Don said he wants me to be happy and if I love Joe, well, he can accept that.

Webkinz W

Look what I found in the Barking Mad mine today!

Update on the friends sob story from below: In just the two days since I invented Katie, I've been doing much better with real people. Somehow having her gives me a lot of confidence. I've done things I never do -- yesterday I insisted on not being interrupted instead of letting people talk over me like I usually do.

I don't have any friends!

It's true. I don't. I am afraid of people. That makes me not like them. When I was in elementary school I used to cry that to my mother. I wonder if she was secretly glad. I don't think she liked me all that much. Just yesterday, though, I was inspired by a PostSecret postcard to create an imaginary friend. So I did! Her name is Katie and she is exactly like me. I'm not creating a friend who has qualities that I don't have. I don't need that. I want someone exactly like me -- moody, funny-looking, socially awkward, etc.

Also, I'll try to pay more attention to people who ARE nice to me. So far today Kevin L talked to me about his garden; Vicki C. and I had a longish chat about technology; Sam S. told me about a band he thought I'd like.

And have I mentioned lately that my boyfriend is wonderful?

Michaela's Birthday!

She turned 19 on Sunday. I made a Black Forest cake and we had a small party. Kendall and boyfriend Xach came over along with friend Cheyenne. Don got her a couple silly presents. I usually give one large present and supplement the pile with a bunch of small nutty things from the Salvation Army but this year I didn't. Honestly, I forgot to. My dog Bandit and my boyfriend Joe are taking up all my mind.

It was a nice weekend. We rented the new Speed Racer movie and greatly enjoyed it, in defiance of the critics. Joe and daughter L took me sailing on Saturday after which I drove up to Ft. Collins to retrieve Kendall. Sunday I took the dogs to Dry Creek Trail and later to Coal Creek Trail.

Also, Joe told me his desire for me has increased over time. I'm finally getting what I wanted more than anything -- his heart. Honestly I'm not sure what to do with it.

Polyamory

What a week! Joe had another low blood sugar incident on Sunday and I got to nurse him through that. The diabetes and its complications have been a good thing for our relationship because we get to be emotionally close. He cried afterwords and said it hurt to love me. It's been a hard week for him because Don and I had been doing a lot of talking and laughing together, and it looked like we were getting our marriage back on track. He thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I told him the truth about everything -- that I'm not really a poly girl; that I don't want to have sex with anybody but him; that Don had agreed to an open marriage as far as Joe was concerned.

I've been doing a wonderful meditation from the Meditation Station Podcast by Stin Hansen, about visualizing your perfect relationship. It's helping me be MUCH more secure and sure of myself around Joe. Previously I've been insecure and jealous. I've done the meditation three times so far, and things are so much happier for me.

A Waste of $60

Went to dinner (The Taj Indian buffet, $30) and a movie (The Sharp Edge, $30) with Joe last night. It was a waste of money and time. I didn't get much pleasure out of any of it. He managed to squeeze in an insult ("You're a freak") and say he didn't want to be in Don's shoes. I can't help thinking that he only wants to play at love. I'm never going to get that epic passionate love, am I?

In Memoriam: September 11

To those we lost,
and those we love,
and those who watch down from above
and those who weep
and those who cried:
those who loved and mourned and died.
In memory we say our prayers
for worries, sorrows, hurts, and cares.

Written by my daughter Rhiannon

Now What?

A long story short: My husband found out I was being unfaithful. Now we are deciding whether we want to stay together. It's really opened up the lines of communication and friendship -- might be the best thing that ever happened to us. We're talking about why it happened, what it's been like for us in the last 20 years, etc etc.

And what do I want? I wanted an epic and passionate relationship with Joe.
What does Joe want? I've no idea.

Divorce

Don and I have had a couple good talks about the situation. We've admitted -- without tears! -- that we haven't been right for each other since Day One. Let me say that I knew that back then; I turned him down two times because of it. But he was really persistent and so I thought that maybe we could make it after all. Now, 24 years later, we're facing the truth. We've had some really good times and some really really awful times.

I'm glad it's gonna be over. We're both happier. We aren't going to change our living situation. What might change is my relationship with Joe -- it might be over as well. You know what a roller coaster it has been for me, so you can probably understand my feeling of relief about this as well.

Low Blood Sugar again

Don knows.

So the truth all came out last night in a very quiet way. Don found out for sure (he's suspected for a while) that Joe and I are having an affair, and immediately found himself in the position of having to help his competitor.

Don had wondered where we were. He looked everywhere except Joe's bedroom, where we were having sex. Later he asked where we were and if we were having sex. I admitted to it.

At 1:30 a.m. Don woke me up to say that Joe was moaning, then went to the back porch where oddly enough Michaela was smoking a cigarette. I went downstairs to Joe's bedroom where I found him sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, trying to speak but only able to make noises, very confused, and drenched with sweat, as soaked as if he'd fallen in the river. I administered with difficulty a vial of glucose gel. He's very strong and very heavy and it's hard to make him do something he doesn't want to do. He didn't want to take glucose, he wanted to test his blood sugar. I told him I had tested it and it was low. He understood. I gave him another vial which he took willingly. He got better. I made him take a third one mixed with juice. That third one was waaaaay too much. At 2:15 his sugar tested at 315. I changed his soaking wet sheets for dry ones then went to bed myself but couldn't sleep for a long time, knowing I had saved him only to kill him with ketones. I think I finally drifted off around 4:00 a.m.

Advice from Post Secret

"Free your secrets and become who you are." said Frank of Post Secret.

Thank you God, thank you Universe, thank you Divine Spirit, for this advice.

Don knows now. It's out in the open. He asked right out and I told him the truth.

What does the future hold? I don't know; but I do think it's important to be very very honest with myself and with both of them. If it all blows up then it blows up.

The importance of being mean

He responds well to me being mean. Sunday night we sat down to watch a movie together, just the two of us 'cause Don was too tired. J and I usually take the opportunity to cuddle but this time I rebuffed him strongly. We spent Monday together, it being a holiday, and he was very nice to me -- asked me if I still loved him in the morning, said he loved me, invited me to go with him to Boulder during the day, worried about me when I still wasn't home from Ft. Collins by 11:00p.m. We also talked a little about my concerns of being kicked out of bed for "doing it wrong." So now we're better.

I was doing it wrong

Kendall's double bed wouldn't fit in the car, so Joe very kindly drove it and me up to Ft. Collins. He was distant and closed the entire time. He doesn't like talking while driving, at least not to me. I imagine his other girlfriends chattered happily on and on.

I did manage to find out what went wrong last Saturday when he changed his mind about being intimate. Apparently I wasn't touching him right -- he had wanted me to focus on one area rather than massaging more widely as I was doing. He said I wasn't being receptive and he didn't want to have to keep pushing for it. Something like that. What a bunch of crock. He never said a word at the time, not even when I asked. Not receptive?!?! How dare he make that my fault. Fuck that shit. I need to be able to trust him. I can't be wondering if he's about to shut me out. Now I know for sure that if I make a misstep during sex he will. I'm not going to touch him ever again. It's not worth it.

I loved him so much. And it's only ever been painful.

Webkinz: Three Wishing Wells!

I got three wishing wells today in the Wishing Well 2 game. I was wondering if they ever let you get that. Note my score before the $1000 windfall -- not much.

Work is hard

I am doing an extremely poor job at work. It is taking me FOREVER to figure out a CSS solution for a site I'm working on -- hours and hours and hours longer than estimated.

I am not as weepy as I was yesterday. Also, I've decided not to go down to see Joe at night until he asks. I was politely asked to leave the last two times; I just don't feel like going three for three.

It's not healthy

to need him this much, want him this much, be so insecure about him, be so unhappy when things go wrong, to think about him day and night. It might be better to cut it off. The relationship used to make me happy but I'm not any more. I'm not a better person. My world hasn't opened up. It's closed.

People want to be heard. I don't ever get to be heard. Ever. Not when I was little, not now that I am big. I don't get to talk. I don't get to be listened to. That's the cross I have to bear; that and always being afraid.

Joe took me motorcycling on Thursday and sailing on Saturday. I usually feel like I can't hang out with him since I don't hang out with my husband, and why should my boyfriend get more than my husband does? But I realized this morning that my husband chooses and has always chosen to be away from me. He's always preferred to go to work on the weekends over doing something with me. He's always hated 'recreating.' He's always had something to say to his male friends but nothing to say to me. He used to talk on the phone to Glenn for half an hour at a time. These days he chats happily with Joe in the morning and chats happily with Joe again at night. So I'm going to stop feeling like I owe him something.

J and I had something of an anniversary on Saturday -- the second anniversary of our first time. We were going to celebrate with more intimacy but somehow it fell through at the last minute. More accurately: the last second. There I was in a lacy sheer black nightie but I did something wrong (no idea what; maybe I was too aggressive) and he decided he'd rather go to sleep instead so I had to leave.

I took Kendall up to Ft. Collins yesterday and installed her in her new apartment. She's got a sweet little one bedroom just a block from campus. Classes start today. I bought her a bunch of groceries. I hope she was warm enough last night. College textbook prices are a complete scam.

Life is so much better for me when I'm by myself, walking with my dogs by the creek while listening to my iPod and thinking about divine spirit and the oneness of all things. I'm not afraid when I'm by myself. I wish I wasn't such a loser at social situations.

I am so weepy and emotional right now. I must be getting my period.

Life Update

Rhiannon is going to Georgia to spend Labor Day with her husband. That ticket cost $800 bucks. They are still in their honeymoon period so you gotta spend that kinda money. I'd spend it to go see Joe, but then we're still in our honeymoon period too. Speaking of that, tomorrow is the second anniversary of when we first 'did it,' though we didn't become a couple till more than a year later.

Kendall starts at CSU next week. She's found a cute little place to stay in for only $350/mo. It's been a lot of fun having her and her boyfriend Xach around. I'll miss them when they are gone.

Michaela keeps to herself these days. I think we all exasperate her. Can't blame her there really. She's taking a couple classes at the local community college, but not really working toward a degree. She enjoys her job as a waitress and is getting pretty good at it.

Joe took me out motorcycling yesterday at lunch. We went up Coal Creek Canyon to Wondervue and had lunch at a little restaurant he knew up there. He knows this whole area really well, having studied topo maps and explored it all. We came back via the Gross Reservoir road; saw deer, almost hit a chipmunk, etc. The sky was so blue!

The positive side of negative emotions

Rev. Sky of Unity Church of Hawaii did an excellent sermon on the gifts we get from the so-called negative emotions. I'm happy to say that I knew the flip side already. It was wonderful to hear someone articulate them; it made me more aware.

The upside of anger is power. Which is why I've always loved my anger.
The upside of fear is affirmation of life and of self. You are worth protecting; your fear wants to do just that.
The upside of grief is awareness of the preciousness of the moment. When you are experiencing loss, you are made more keenly aware of how wonderful each moment had been.

So what's the positive side of jealousy? Maybe it's the way it encourages me to keep from putting all my eggs in one basket; to cultivate other relationships.

And what's the downside of love? Probably the way it makes you stupid.

I should stop cultivating love and start cultivating anger, fear and grief. And jealousy.

Doing the Work

Joe should not fall in love with anyone else.
Is this true? Yes
Can I know that this is true? Okay, it's true for me. Maybe not for him. He should do what's best for him.
How do I feel when I believe this thought? I feel awful about both the thought and the opposite thought.
Turn it around:
1. Joe should fall in love with someone else.
- If he needs to, he should.
2. I should fall in love with someone else.
- This thought gives me hope. It won't be the end of the world if he leaves me.
3. I should not fall in love with someone else.
- I can stay in unrequited love forever if I need to.

Jealousy, the green-eyed monster, rears its ugly head once again

Joe spent a large portion of Saturday with Erica and her kid again, just like he did last weekend, and just like last weekend I was jealous. It was much worse this time, though. Last weekend it was tough. This time it was huge, tremendous and overwhelming. I felt childish and small for feeling jealous again, but I'll tell ya, Saturday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent most of Sunday trying to cope with the feelings, which I did by 1) absenting myself from home, 2) meditating, breathing and listening to spiritual talks, and 3) spending time with Mary and her kids. These things helped. I didn't want to go to bed angry again, though, so I went down to see him after everyone had gone to bed. I said what I needed to say. "It hurts to love you, baby"; "Are you going to play Brady Bunch with Erica on the weekends now?"; "I wish you were mine." He reassured me yet again in a very intense and loving episode.

He's gone

Rhiannon's husband Zac has gone. He graduated from training at the beginning of this month. August 9th he left for his duty station. Rumor has it he'll be deployed to Iraq in February, to return in August. "What will he do there?" I asked. "Play video games like all the rest of the marines," said Rhiannon. So I guess he'll be okay. She's rattling around, not sure what to do with herself. I get to talk to her more, but I'm a poor substitute. Bless my baby, God.

I guess I saved his life

itshercandy: are you online?
will: yes
itshercandy: just checking
itshercandy: Sorry about the long lunch. My housemate just had a diabetic incident.
will: Hope everyone is ok
itshercandy: He called at 12:30 to tell me his blood sugar had just tested really low. I guess he just wanted someone to know.
itshercandy: So I went over and it's lucky I did because he hadn't managed to stop the downward slide.
itshercandy: He was practically ...
itshercandy: well, he was conscious but unresponsive
itshercandy: so I forced him to sit up and drink the sugar water I had brought
itshercandy: and after a while he got better
itshercandy: so that's one trip to the emergency room averted
will: I'm glad you were there to help
itshercandy: it was actually fairly scary
itshercandy: 'cause I had to pick him up like a baby and hold him while I held the bottle to his lips
itshercandy: so then I stayed with him for a while after that

Another Trip to ER, this one not necessary

But the customer was scared, and so were the other guys.

He had a low blood sugar incident while with a customer. The customer went to Wolfsburg Autowerks, got Jim King and Mark Cervelli, who gave him sugar and took him to the emergency room. The ER people recognized him; said his forehead was healing very nicely.

I can't blame the guys for being scared, but really all they had to do was wait half an hour for the sugar to take effect.

Baby. If I've only gonna get a few years with you, I want to make them really good. Let's go out with a bang.

All Better

See what love does to me? It turns me into a jealous unreasonable crazy person. He reassured me in a way that I found believable. He looks at me and lets his heart show in his face.

I'm listening to Gordon Lightfoot's album Don Quixote. Folk is good but this particular instance is a little bit corny, though the guitar work is absolutely excellent.